The Power Of Cringe: Transforming Shame Into Strength

homage to The Pebble in Your Shoe

Photo by Julia Taubitz on Unsplash

Hello Friend,

After reading a thought-provoking article written by

Ilona Goanos

titled, Why Sharing Cringe Moments Is The Path From Embarrassment to Empowerment, a childhood memory rushed in surprising me with its details.

I picked up the blue bowling ball, found my stance behind the foul line, narrowed my focus on the third arrow from the right, carefully shuffled my feet, brought my right arm back, and smoothly rolled that 8 lb. marble down the alleyway. A nanosecond after the ball smacked down all ten pins I heard the kids, my teammates, and friends, chuckle softly, then howling with laughter.

Sliding my right leg behind, while bending my left knee, sans the sound effects of a satisfying strike - from the front crotch to the back, a silent split right down the middle seam of my favorite brown corduroy pants. Yep, my skinny butt and white cotton underpants exposed for the crowded bowling alley to sneer and snicker. In an instant, I went from feeling like Princess Paulette of the Bowling Alley, to walking the hall of shame.

Ears pounding with humiliation and the echo of my friends’ laughter trailing behind me, I ran to the bathroom to inspect the damage. No emergency safety pin would help.

Wrapping my sweater around my waist, tears clouding my way, I ran home. Knowing I had to face those so-called friends in school the next day, I pleaded with my mom to let me stay home for the rest of my life. At the very least, the next day. Whether she did or didn’t, I don’t remember, but the red-hot fever of shame stayed with me for a long time.

Of course over the years, there have been numerous occasions that I have felt shamed and embarrassed by something I did, said, observed, or heard.

However, the Cringe article stimulated several questions.

• Why do certain situations mortify us?

• Why do we sometimes feel uncomfortable when others are sharing their embarrassing moments?

• Why are we drawn to listen to one another’s blunders?

• Does sharing cringy circumstances unburden us?

• Do they make us feel less alone? Less ashamed?

• Do we feel absolved in some weird way from our shameful misadventures?

Emotions such as embarrassment and shame carry with them the DNA of fear.

You might remember from previous posts where I’ve mentioned that humans are not far from our chimpanzee and bonobo ancestors. Our human brains are hard-wired for fight, flight, or freeze.

As members of primitive tribes, we were on the lookout for potential harm and avoided excommunication from the group’s protection. Today, we continue to be vigilant for signs of potentially harmful situations, from being kicked off the island.

Human beings seek and need connection. To be ostracized from the reigning party causes fear on the most basic level. The human species has an intrinsic need for belonging.

Embarrassing moments ignite within us the fear of being unworthy. We want to be seen in the best light. We want to be respected. We want people to like us. Hell, we want to be loved.

While uncomfortable to speak about, the sharing of shameful stories loosens the grip they hold on our psyche and our hearts.

Listening to cringe stories, allows us to feel part of the tribe again. To know we are not alone. In a way, sharing and listening reminds me of past days when confessing sins (to miss the mark) in the Catholic church: the unburdening and the absolution one looked to receive from the priest. Maybe it’s that simple and the recitation of cringe stories is just that - a way to absolve ourselves.

Also, modern research has proven that shame thrives in the shadow of secrecy. So in that regard alone, getting our story out of our brains and bodies, into the light of day, opens the door to healing. In the telling, we throw off the invisible chains that bind us.

However, I was curious, what exactly is happening in the brain that necessitates absolution in the first place? So, my pants split exposing my undies when I was a young girl. What fired in my brain that prompted me to run home out of embarrassment?

According to the National Library of Medicine, it’s not always easy to distinguish between embarrassment and shame.

“At the neural level, shame has been selectively associated with the dorso-lateral prefrontal cortex, the posterior cingulate cortex, and the sensory-motor cortex, whereas embarrassment has been associated with the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex, the amygdala, and occipital areas, and both emotions with the hippocampus and midbrain. However, it must be acknowledged that, since the distinction between shame and embarrassment is not sharp… it is not easy to establish which brain areas are involved in processing these emotions, and which areas might selectively process one of the two emotions.”

What’s important to take away from the study is that it’s not easy to determine which area of the brain is processing the emotions of embarrassment or shame. But it’s helpful to know that scientific research assures us that the brain is affected, which circles back to triggering the fight, flight, or freeze response.

Finally, to bring cringe moments to the forefront, in celebrity chatter this week the indomitable Barbra Streisand made a newsworthy faux pas with her friend Melissa McCarthy by asking her in the comment section of Instagram, for all the world to see, and of course weigh in, if she (Melissa) was on Ozempic. OOPS.

You can watch Here.

As a fan of both stars, I was delighted to see how graciously each woman handled the blooper.

Melissa McCarthy; Barbra Streisand. PHOTO: MELISSA MCCARTHY/INSTAGRAM; GILBERT CARRASQUILLO/FILMMAGIC

I’m curious, how do you handle your blunders?

With love and appreciation, Paulette

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